I was born the only blonde in a house full of
brunettes. My older brother knew and spewed all
the latest dumb blonde jokes thinking he was
super funny even if I was hurt by these “jokes.” I
was often the butt of everyone’s jokes, especially
because I had to work harder than others to get
above average-grades – which often just proved
those blonde jokes correct.
Because this is what I grew up with, this is what
became my married life too. I was laughed at
and felt stupid when on my grocery list I spelled
lettuce and yogurt with an e instead of u . When I
talked in ways that were uneducated or couldn’t
pronounce a word with more than six letters.
Again, I was the butt of the joke, too sensitive,
and needed to learn to shut up or how to take a
joke.
Now, as an adult, I talk too much, standing up
and defending the victims of this world. I don’t
want to learn how to take a joke when the joke
was really at my expense. And I don’t think this
is how family, the people who say they love you ,
should treat each other all in the name of a little
fun.
Belittling, name-calling, and condescension
became how I expected to be treated. It was my
normal when it’s anything but normal! But
through my abuse recovery healing journey, I
learned that no person deserves to be treated like
this. Verbal abuse is a cycle that repeats for
generations unless we do something to stop it
from continuing.
Examples of Verbal Abuse:
To understand what verbal abuse looks like in a
relationship, here are five warning signs of verbal
abuse and how they may be displayed.
- Demeaning comments : “Wow, putting on
some weight?! You’re always going to be fat
if you keep eating those cookies.” - Name-calling : “You’re such a stupid
idiot!” or “You are a loser, you can’t do
anything right!” - Deliberate blame-shifting : “I wouldn’t
drink so much if you wouldn’t nag so much!”
or “I wouldn’t watch porn if you’d have sex
more.” - Threatening: “If you don’t do this, I’m
going to divorce you, leaving you with
nothing. You will never see the kids!” - Discounting/Minimizing : “I am not
abusing you! You’re crazy. Making things
up. You’re too sensitive! Can’t you take a
joke?”
Doesn’t That Make Everyone Abusive?
We are all guilty of saying unkind things to
people, especially our spouse or children, and
other people at times of upset and anger. We
may have called someone a stupid idiot for
pulling out in front of us in traffic, without even
realizing what we’re saying.
The difference between an abuser and a non-
abuser is motive. If the motive is to demean,
belittle, deliberately cause emotional harm, and/
or gain power and control over a partner that is
abuse. Again, the abuser has the mindset that he
or she is in control of everyone around them,
even if they never show signs of anger, and uses
abusive or manipulative tactics to keep that
control.
Non-abusers aren’t trying to hide anything, are
willing to apologize and stop the hurtful behavior
especially once they realize they’ve hurt
someone else. They may try to rationalize it but
they genuinely feel bad for how they’re treating
another human being. The abuser, on the other
hand, thinks he or she has a right to say these
things and others should just put up with it even
if it’s hurtful.
What if the Other Person Is Just Joking?
Jokes can be funny without making fun of
someone or a certain group of people. The target
of the joke shouldn’t be someone with a disability
or different gender, race, or religion. When people
are joking around everyone should walk away
feeling that the conversation was humorous, not
demeaning. But if one person is being attacked,
while the others are laughing, this is not mere
joking. Instead, it’s verbal abuse disguised as
jokes for fun.
How Is Verbal Abuse Different from Emotional Abuse?
There is not much difference between verbal
abuse and emotional abuse. The goal of the
abuser is essentially the same. An abuser
launches a verbal attack onto the unsuspecting
victim to gain power and control over the victim.
Abusers use whatever tactics work to feel the
power and control that they seek.
Furthermore, emotional abuse often includes the
psychological ways that a person uses their
words to manipulate, and brainwash with the use
of mental mind games, like gaslighting, crazy-
making, and stonewalling to continue the
torment. Verbal bullying is usually where an
abuser starts to wear down his or her dating or
marriage partner. And it can often be passed off
as just a joke to which the victim would be told
that he or she is too sensitive – which deflects
the blame onto the victim.
The problem is it doesn’t usually end there. Most
times the abuser escalates his or her tactics to
keep the victim entrapped in the relationship.
Degradation gets worse over time. The
humiliation and verbal attacks become more
deliberate and offensive until the abuse is
happening more and more often. It often gets to
the point that the victim starts to believe
everything the abuser is saying and that the
victim needs to take the blame for the abuse and
protect the abuser from deserved consequences.
How Should We Respond to Verbal Abuse?
The first thing we need to do before ever being
verbally bullied by another person is to learn
assertive rights and boundaries. We also need to
know that we don’t deserve this treatment or
have to just accept this from another person.
People often quote Jesus as stating, the only way
to handle these abusive situations is to, “Turn
the other cheek” (from Matthew 5:39 ). I disagree
with that, sharing not only does God not want us
to be doormats and personal punching bags, but
He expects us to stand up for ourselves when being threatened.
The first step is to immediately let an abusive
person know that you won’t be around him or her
if they are going to say such demeaning things
or act in harmful ways. Then, you physically
separate from that person, as soon as you can,
to show that you will assert your boundaries
when necessary – these are natural
consequences.
Allowing verbal abuse to continue without
asserting your boundaries is like giving someone
permission to treat you this way.
What the Bible Says about How We Are to Respond:
“Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend
the oppressed. Take up the cause of the
fatherless; plead the case of the widow.” –
Isaiah 1:17 NIV
“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered
person, do not associate with one easily
angered, or you may learn their ways and
get yourself ensnared.” – Proverbs 22:24-25
NIV
“When the sentence for a crime is not
quickly carried out, people’s hearts are filled
with schemes to do wrong.” – Ecclesiastes
8:11 NIV
“Anyone who does not provide for their
relatives, and especially for their own
household, has denied the faith and is worse
than an unbeliever.” – 1 Timothy 5:8
Can I Divorce if My Spouse Refuses to Stop Verbal Abuse?
As a person who writes about abuse and divorce,
and coaches abuse victims through their divorce,
I often get told that people do not have a right to
divorce in cases of abuse – especially if it’s only
verbal. I just kindly disagree. I won’t be abused
or abusive to someone else – that’s not in my
character.
Furthermore, verbal abuse is most times more
harmful than any other form of abuse. And the
problem with not allowing a victim to leave an
abuser is that the abuse continues and often
escalates into other forms of abuse (emotional,
physical, financial, and sexual) when the abuser
feels he/she can no longer keep the power and
control.
Additionally, a victim may unintentionally wish
for things to get worse, for their spouse to hit
them, or commit adultery so they can morally
separate and divorce, to escape the abuser who
refuses to stop abusing. Abuse is not a marital
problem, it’s an abuser problem. It’s a mindset
that doesn’t change with a little marital
counseling, especially with someone untrained in
identifying abuse.
How to Stop the Cycle of Abuse
To stop the familiar cycle of abuse, we need to
allow victims to escape from it and teach the
next generation how to treat others with kindness
and respect. Also, the most loving thing you can
do for an abuser is to allow them to face all the
consequences they have earned by their choices
to abuse. Without those consequences, they’re
more likely to continue to be abusive.
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