Male isolation: a growing problem

Men’s isolation is at crisis proportions.

A new loneliness pandemic is sweeping our communities, according to the CDC.

In this piece, I want to talk about male friendships within the framework of the church. The volume of data is staggering. Men are finding it harder to form and sustain meaningful friendships.

Daniel Cox recently wrote an essay titled “Men’s Social Circles are Shrinking,” in which he shared some of the most up-to-date data on the subject.

Now that people are getting out and about again, a new survey shows that friendships in the United States have changed in dramatic ways. The May American Perspectives Survey indicated, among other things, a significant shift: a decrease in the prevalence of in-depth friendships. The proportion of people in the United States who report having no close confidants has increased dramatically over the last three decades as the average size of a friendship group has shrunk.

However, not every American has felt the effects of these shifts. The drop seems to be far more severe for males than it is for women. Males now are less likely than they were 30 years ago to have more than six close buddies. This figure is now half of what it was yesterday. Only little more than a quarter of today’s males (27%), however, can count six or more close pals within their social circle. Since 1990, the percentage of males who report having no close friends has increased by a factor of five.

The fact that most males have just three close pals or less is mind-boggling to me. Some questions sprang to me as I considered these developments. Is the church community different from the general population? Within the framework of a religious group, I don’t think the figures look any different for guys. Why do people feel so alone even among others who claim to be religious? Perhaps this is because we haven’t figured out how to form a close-knit group of friends with whom to share our lives. The first few lines of Ecclesiastes provide us with encouragement and solace: “two is better than one.”

Dr. Arum Weiss offers a perceptive insight on men’s loneliness in his interesting Psychology Today piece titled “The Devastating Effects of Men’s Loneliness.”

There is evidence to show that placing one’s priorities on amassing riches and material possessions reduces one’s sense of well-being and causes dissatisfaction in one’s closest relationships (Baker, 2017). Eight decades of data were collected on a group of men in the Harvard Study of Adult Development (Harvard, 2017). Questions like “Who would you call in the middle of the night if you were ill or afraid?” were asked of the males at various stages of the research. Men who had a confidant reported more satisfaction in their relationships, better lifestyles overall, and longer lifespans (Psychology Today, November 21, 2021).

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Dr. Weiss argues later in the same piece that severe isolation is linked to shorter life spans and an increased risk of self-harm.

I’ve frequently pondered how the Christian community would react to cultural developments and begin to meet the pressing needs that have just become apparent, given the widespread consensus among experts that male isolation is a serious issue in the United States today. Where did we go wrong, and what can be done to prevent churches from becoming places where men don’t feel comfortable becoming friends with other men? To help bring the beauty of “men living together in harmony” to our local churches, I will draw on my own personal experience as a friend and brother to provide some concrete recommendations (Psalm 133:1).
The Bible offers advice on how to deal with feelings of isolation: make friends. Men feel more complete when they are able to make and keep friends.

How can we as men in our religious groups combat the harmful physical and emotional impacts of isolation? Some things I’ve learnt over the years might aid you in finding and maintaining genuine connections. Your spiritual development requires a strong support system of friends, and I’m certain that the guidelines I’ve learned during my own friendship path will be of use to you as you go ahead. I am not a relationship expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I do believe these concepts to be morally solid.

  1. Be friendly

As we can see in Proverbs 18:24, this is a pattern from the Bible. The task described in this Proverb may look simple at first glance, but I am confident that we will need to put in significant effort to do it. Almost no one is willing to initiate contact, in my experience. You have to take the initiative if you want to create friends. You should make the first move and introduce yourself. The first step is to make a phone call and see whether your long-lost friend is up for breakfast at a nearby cafe. It’s a plus if you can beat out the competition and make the first move. Not everyone will accept your offer, but if you keep trying there is a chance that you and that person can develop a meaningful bond.

  1. Look for common ground (1 Corinthians 9:22)

There will always be variety in a couple, and we must accept it. This is to be expected, since everyone of us was given a certain set of characteristics by our Maker. Look for common ground rather than focusing on your differences. Do you share any interests? Do the two of you have any interests? Is there a correlation between family dynamics? Have you two met before? Make use of these shared interests to start discussions that may lead to a deeper connection.

  1. Be genuine (Ephesians 4:25)
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Stay genuine as you negotiate the choppy seas of friendship. Share openly about your experiences and challenges, and be receptive to the experiences and struggles of others. In all candor, we’ve all hit roadblocks in some facets of our life. Perhaps it’s the difficulties in our marriage or as parents, or maybe it’s our own moral deficiency. We all have plenty of opportunities in life to make poor decisions and show lack of moral fiber. Secretive behavior has no place in a friendship. If we want genuine connections with others, we have to be willing to reveal our actual selves without apology. Our relationship will flourish if we choose to interact in this way, and we will both benefit from being accepted for who we really are. The warmth and true connection provided by that pair is what ultimately helps us overcome our own bouts of loneliness.

  1. Show some openness and sensitivity (2 Corinthians 6:11-13)

Relationships built on a foundation of dishonesty are certain to fail. Let’s decide to come out of hiding. Although it may seem that we have everything under control in our complex lives, the truth is that we don’t. On a deep level, God is mending us. If we give off the impression in our social interactions that we have arrived at the pinnacle of perfection, most people will feel unqualified to be considered our friends. In a nutshell, we go nowhere if we aren’t willing to be open and honest about the hardships we confront in our flawed lives. When we talk about our problems with our significant others, we strengthen our bonds via vulnerability, which is a benefit in and of itself.

  1. Make friends without any plans (1 Corinthians 13:5)

I think it’s safe to say that we’re all in sales in one way or another. Those closest to us are the first to get our wares and services. But if we want the significance that comes from friendships, we have to be open to seeking out meaningful connection without any preconceived notions or expectations. In meetings when we forego the pursuit of financial gain, we stand to earn the sincerity that comes from having nothing to hide. Having a sales pitch thrown into a budding friendship is a turnoff for everyone. If this is the case, we will be on guard and unable to form genuine connections with others. Putting the other person’s needs before our own should already be at the top of our list of priorities (1 Peter 2:19).

  1. Keep confidences
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A new relationship might be damaged if we break the confidence of our existing friends by telling them something they shouldn’t know. When people stop trusting one another, it’s impossible for them to have meaningful connections with one another.

  1. Put yourself in the right place to make friends (Philippians 2:3)

Staying in, snacking on chips while watching Netflix, and doing nothing will not get the job done. We need to be on the lookout for experiences that will help us mature into the sort of guys who will bring about positive change in the world. Can you think of a men’s Bible study at your church that you’ve never attended? Do the guys of your church get together for breakfast on a regular basis? If so, this may be a great place to meet new acquaintances. Is it possible for you to join a softball league specifically for men? The point I’m making is that we let too many good chances go to waste. You might be wondering what would happen if you invited some friends to breakfast at the local diner on this coming Saturday.

What happens when we make the time for friendships that are worth having? The short answer is that we become better men. We need to and should willfully and intentionally give our friends permission to confront us and hold us accountable for our actions. And, because we are allowing for constructive feedback, our lives are examined by another believer who can offer words of wisdom we had not yet considered (iron sharpens iron).

Oh, it might be painful to hear, but we become better men when someone who loves us speaks into our lives, and, ultimately, we become better men in the process. We often cannot see the forest for the trees in our lives. Our friends can often see things we cannot, and can address them in the context of love and concern.

I’m not being a Pollyanna here, but friendship can be messy and complicated as men strive for Christ-likeness. Friends don’t always agree on things, and sin can complicate the best of friendships, but in the end, the gift that was given by our creator in friendship is a solid solution to the loneliness and isolation of men in community.

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