Pastor Ben Stuart Passion City Church D.C. recently shared tips on how to couples can experience “nourishing” sex in their marriage and admonished secular ideas that sex should be violent and degrading to women.
In an Oct. 4 sermon titled “Wedding Night” based on the Song of Songs in the Old Testament, Stuart stressed that sex is not supposed to be abusive, hazardous or harmful.
The husband, he said, has a responsibility to follow a woman’s needs through kindness and tender care, while a wife should show her affection in a nurturing way.
“I want to challenge us men — you be gentle, you be kind. That when women talk about sex, it’s love and attention and self-esteem and affection.
That you make sure you be gentle,” Stuart said, offering advice specifically for men in search of a wife or the newly engaged. “Your wedding night is not the time to enact your porn-infused fantasies. You can hurt her emotionally and physically. You be gentle. You go slow.”
On the eve of his wedding day, Stuart recalled seeking advice from a mentor about how to consummate his marriage in a way that glorifies God and honors his wife, Donna.
“I remember he said, ‘You make it about her. You be just attentive. … Is she comfortable? Does she feel safe? Is she relaxed? You make it about her.’ He said, ‘I promise you, you’ll have fun,’” Stuart added. “I will not unpack great detail about Donna and I’s wedding night, but I will say this: I took his advice. … I just wanted her to feel right.”
Stuart believed that many Christian marriages end in divorce because they fail at kindling their mental, social, emotional, physical and sexual intimacy in such a way that honors God and brings “nourishment” to both partners.
Men should continue to pursue their spouses even after the initial stages of romance have passed, he added.
“We kind of work on that to woo her and win her. And then, as soon as we move and we get married, we just become roommates. And suddenly, we’re concerned with our career. And we forget cultivating intimacy and romance. And then years later, when the divorce papers come, we say, ‘we fell out of love,’” Stuart said.
“You don’t fall out of love. In the same way, a fire doesn’t suddenly fall out of fire. Fire burns out. You kindle it to keep the flames fresh. Love is the same way. And the way you kindle the affections of a dynamic sexual life in marriage is emotionally. And so, guys, we have to find ways, married men, to put the remote down, dig deep and tell women how we feel.”
Stuart told his church that secular society has for years been “loosening the act of sex from the boundaries of committing to you and loving you in a marriage.”
Today’s world often limits sex to simply “something that you do; like eating a sandwich,” he said, when in reality sex “has a bigger meaning.”
“Trying to remove sexuality from these boundaries has not liberated us. It’s cost us more than we want to give,” Stuart lamented.
Declaring that “marriage is a holy institution given by God” and “a gift,” Stuart emphasized that “God cares about your love life.”
God is not the enemy of your love life. He’s not the enemy of your sex life. He created these things. And He wants to create an environment where they can flourish,” he emphasized.
For those waiting until marriage to have sex, Stuart said they should be careful what they engage in because certain actions, such as sensual kissing, can lead to sex.
“Kissing like this is biologically meant to lead you someplace. You be careful not to give your body away to someone who’s not worthy of your trust,” Stuart added.
For those who have already engaged in sex outside of marriage, Stuart said, they should not lose hope because “you’re not too far gone” to seek God’s mercy and grace.
“I understand there’s not a lot of virgins in this room. What I said … is what the Gospel says to all of us.
We start with the truth. We start with God’s standard and all of us have fallen short of the glory of God,” Stuart said.
“So, we can grieve when we’re not what we’re meant to be. But the Bible doesn’t end there with grief and it certainly doesn’t end in shame.”
It’s not abnormal for a Christian to mourn the loss of their virginity, Stuart said, noting that Christians who’ve made sexual mistakes can confess and repent and God will welcome them with open arms in the same way as the father in the Bible story of the Prodigal son.
“In that mourning for us, if that’s you, I want you to know that God does not distance from you. He moved toward you. … [Sexual sin] doesn’t doom you to a second-rate marriage, it doesn’t even doom to a second-rate wedding night,” Stuart said.
“When we confess, He rushes in with mercy. He rushes in with grace. He brings in restoration. That’s our Gospel; out of the grave comes life, out of death comes hope and a future.”
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