Should The Church Start Talking About Violence In The Home?

Is It Time for the Church to Start Having Conversations About Domestic Violence?

For more than 25 years, he had been her doctor. He knew everything about her family, friends, and health issues. In fact, he was not only her doctor but had also become a friend over the years.

So, when she said “Yes” to his question, he was completely caught off guard.

You see, he had just come back from medical training about domestic violence that took place over the weekend. He had found out that it was much more common than he had thought. He decided that week to start asking all of his patients about their experiences with domestic violence.

“Are you in a relationship in which your partner hurts you physically?”

She replied, “Yes.” Her husband of 30 years was hurting her in many ways.

He was surprised to see her. “Darlene, why on earth didn’t you tell me this before?”

She gave him a look and told him, “You never asked.”

What’s the matter?

Recently, there has been some talk in the news about domestic violence. A few horrible stories have come out, which have caused us as a society to take a step back and shed some light on this important topic. People in the medical field are getting training, social workers are getting tools, and mental health workers are being reminded that this is a problem that will not go away.

What about the church, though? Why have we been so quiet about the problem of domestic violence, with a “don’t ask, don’t tell” attitude?

Some people think that we might be asking too much of the church as a whole. Yes, I tend to agree with that statement if we define “church” as a single group or institution with a pastor and a congregation. Pastors are trained in theology, not in medicine, money, counseling, sex education, accounting, or any of the other things that society puts pressure on them to do. They aren’t supposed to “fix all the world’s problems,” but rather to point us to Jesus.

But if we think of the Church as the whole group of Christians, then the truth is that we have been afraid to talk about certain things and bring important things out into the open. One of these things is family violence. We are called to be the ones who speak up in our homes and communities, point out wrongdoing, and bring hope and healing to places that seem hopeless. So why do we keep our mouths shut?

For one thing, I think a lot of us don’t think we’re good enough. We don’t think we know enough about this or that to start a conversation about it. But we don’t realize that you don’t have to be an expert to be an influencer. Even if you don’t know all the answers, you can still BE the answer.

We, the church, are supposed to start the conversations. God can use our desire for justice to start healing and hopeful conversations. You don’t have to be an expert to do it; all you need is a willing heart. Someone who is not only willing to ask hard questions and bring up hard topics, but also willing to answer with grace and kindness.

Why Do We Need to Have the First Talk?

When we talk about domestic violence, we have to remember that our words can bring light to dark places. When we talk about these things, they lose their power in our lives, our churches, and our communities. Here are some reasons why we need to talk more about domestic violence in the church:

Because it is inside Our Church.

When we hear about this in the news, we often think of it as something that has nothing to do with us. We think that these kinds of bad relationships only happen to people who are “far away” from God. As a professional counselor, I can tell you that is not the case at all. I have worked with a lot of Christians who are stuck in abusive relationships and feel like they have nowhere to turn. Not only that, but the shame that comes with the words “divorce” and “separation” in the church keeps them in these unhealthy and dangerous relationships. Domestic violence has no boundaries and affects people inside and outside of the church. We need to stop making assumptions and start asking questions. Because, as Darlene said at the start of this story, we might never find out if we don’t ask.

Because it’s a problem that gets worse if no one talks about it.

Like many sins and bad habits, domestic violence gets worse when no one talks about it. Because the relationship is violent, it usually happens behind closed doors, where the silence and isolation make it worse. By not having these talks, we let the toxic cycle continue, which is like saying we don’t believe these relationships exist. Instead, we need to bring it out into the open and get rid of the shame and stigma that come with it. We can do this by encouraging men and women who are in abusive relationships to come forward and look for healing, hope, and restoration. We have to break the silence so that the sound of healing can come in.

Because there needs to be Healing on both sides.

One thing we need to keep in mind during this important conversation is that it’s not just one side of the problem. Even though we feel sad for those who are being abused, we have to remember that both sides of the relationship need to heal. Not only do we need to talk to people who are being hurt by domestic violence, but we also need to get the people who are hurting others to come forward. When we focus on the victim, we often forget about this side of the story. But one thing we should keep in mind is that anyone who is stuck in a sinful cycle of hurting other people needs healing and hope, because, as the saying goes, “hurt people hurt people.” As we start this conversation, let’s make sure not to judge each other, but instead to create space for healing on both sides of the relationship.

I’m glad to be a part of a group of Christians who are starting to shed light on some things that have been kept in the dark. My challenge to you, to me, and to the church as a whole is to accept our calling to be a voice for those who don’t have one and a source of strength for those who don’t have any. Maybe we can be the ones to start these hard conversations and ask these hard questions in our homes, families, churches, and communities. Because until we ask, we’ll never know.