Stop Telling People Marriage Is Scam, But You Are Having Sex With 7 People – Pastor Mildred Okonkwo
STOP TELLING PEOPLE MARRIAGE IS SCAM BUT YOU ARE HAVING SEX WITH 7 PEOPLE. YOU ARE MARRIED TO 7 PEOPLE. OWN IT!
IF YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN THE SINGLE SEASON OF YOUR LIFE, DON’T TRY TO RUSH OUT OF IT
BEING SINGLE IN THE BIBLE IS SYNONYMOUS WITH BEING CELIBATE
IT IS NOT THE VOWS, COMING TO THE ALTAR, WHITE DRESS THAT MAKES MARRIAGE. IT IS THE SEX – THE JOINING.
YOU DON’T GO TO SOCIAL MEDIA TO GET ANSWERS FOR A KINGDOM MARRIAGE.
SOMEONE WHO IS NOT BORN AGAIN IS SPIRITUALLY DEAD.
-Pastor Mildred Okonkwo at House on the Rock (The Refuge) on The Why, The What, The Who and The How of Marriage.
Tonight, I know we are speaking to the singles. So let me start by saying this, “there’s nothing wrong with being single”. And the reason why I want to establish that before I start is that a lot of times, I find a lot of single people praying to get out of their single season too fast. There’s nothing wrong with being single. Infact, being single is a gift. It’s going to be one of the best seasons in your life. If you know that you are in the single season of your life, don’t try to rush out of it. Enjoy being single for as long as you get the opportunity to be single.
Listen, when you are single, let me give you an example – Apostle Paul said that the beautiful thing about being single is that you can spend time just loving on the Lord and nobody else. When you are a married person, one of the things you will find is that your time, attention, energy, finances, will be divided into two – ask any married person you know. So that time you are rushing to be married, when you do get married, because you did not spend time enjoying your single season, you’re probably going to feel stressed out because you got married too soon.
Imagine as a single person, you’re coming back from work. Now you live in this city and I know there’s no traffic in Abuja. But if you live in Lagos like me, you’ll wake up at 4:30 in the morning to get to work and you’ll be frustrated on the journey because there’ll be traffic at 6:30. Maybe it’ll take you probably 3 hours to get to the office, and then you get to the office where everyone is probably frustrated by traffic, your boss will frustrate you even further. And you guys finish all of that and maybe you close about say 8,9 and then you try to get home, you enter another traffic, then you eventually get home.
If you are single and you are tired, when you get home and there’s nothing to eat, guess what you will do? You will sleep because there’s nobody that is disturbing your life. So you come home, you crash. You can even buy gala on the road or laslas, you do indomie. You eat it and you crash. But if you’re married, as you’re coming into the door, maybe you and your husband are coming together, he will go and sit down and say, “honey, what are we eating?”. And you’re wondering, this traffic that we all came from, didn’t you see that traffic? But you are going to be expected to do something. Even if you don’t love your husband, your children are going to cry, “mummy, we are hungry”. That’s stress.
When you were single, you could finish after this and still go home and pray for 4 hours in tongues. Nobody’s going to bother you – study the word, fellowship, sing, do anything you like. But if you’re married and the man of God is in the mood, prayer is going to suspend. Nobody is telling you these things but it’ll significantly divide your time, energy and resources. So when you’re single, enjoy the season of being single. Being single is a gift. 1 Corinthians 7:32. When you’re single, you have time – you can travel the world. I always advice single people – this is the season to learn new things. Travel, enjoy yourself. Now if I want to travel, I have to ask my husband because it has to fit into his own plan and his own timing as well. But before, all I needed to do was carry my bag, grab my passport, make sure I have money and move.
But too many people are trying to get out of the single season that was created for a reason. It was created to give you time to know yourself and to know the master. So, this is not the time for you to complain, this is not the time to pray “God when”. This is the time for you to really enjoy this season. Second thing I need to establish is that being single is not a sin. Infact, it is highly recommended. Apostle Paul also said it. 1 Corinthians 7:7. It’s not a sin if you want to get married, that’s why I don’t know why some people allow social media to influence them so much.
People who are happily married in their homes pretending like they are not happily married and shouting on social media and telling you, “marriage is a scam, men are scums”, saying all sorts of things and they are discouraging you from a life that you should have. If you want to get married, it’s fine. If you want to stay single for yourself, it’s fine. Absolutely. But it must be a decision that you make and you must be fully persuaded by it. And so he says, “if you want to get married, it’s fine. If you want to stay single, it’s a simpler life”. So, there’s nothing wrong with being single.
Third thing I need to establish is that, “not everyone will get married”. I’m answering that question before you ask it because I know that a lot of people will ask that question that “must everybody get married?”. No, not everyone will get married. Matthew 19:11 (Message Translation). When Bible talks about “single”, Bible also expects that being single in the Bible is synonymous with being celibate. So, a lot of people are going about saying they are single, they are not. In Heaven, you have married like 5 or 7 times. It’s not the vows, coming to the altar, white dress that makes marriage, it is the sex – the joining. And the two shall become one flesh, that’s what the Bible says.
So when the Bible is talking about the single, if you read the Bible, it’s talking about the unmarried, virgin. The words are interchangeable. So these days, I find a lot of people who are married to about 10 people and they say, “is it by force to marry?” Aunty, you are married. Just own it. All you have to do is now do it properly. Go through counselling and come to church and let’s know that you are wed. And stop shouting on social media, “is it by force to be married?”. Well, it’s not by force but if you’re going to stay single, be single. It also means be celibate. It also means be focused on the Lord and on the plans and purposes He has for you.
There are some people that will never be toasted. Hard truth but it’s there in the Bible scripture of Matthew 19 (Message Translation). Uncle, you may toast 25 girls but nobody is going to agree. This is where I need to emphasize to the single, don’t let anyone pressure you into marriage. People will push you into marriage and when you enter there, they will leave you alone. You know on the wedding day, you have aunties that act as if they are going to follow you into the marriage. They will wear aso-ebi, they will dance, they say, “it’s our day”. They will clean your sweat, they will come. The minute the wedding is over, you will realise that it’s just you and this man o and you have no clue what you are doing. Don’t allow anybody pressure you into marriage.
If you have any aunties disturbing you, that “why are you not married, when are we going to eat rice?”. Say, “aunty, when you cook it”. Let them not use your destiny to fry garri o. Say, “aunty, I will even send you carton of chicken if that will make it better”. Don’t let anybody stress you. It was my husband I heard telling somebody that, “if your mother wakes you up in the middle of the night and says ‘why are you not married’, some nights, go and wake her up and say that, ‘mummy I’m not married and you too you are sleeping'”. It’s not only her that can wake you, you too, go and wake her that “mummy, you are sleeping and I’m not married? Mummy, wake up o”. And it has to be 4am so that you can target her.
So don’t let anybody – no aunties, no mummies – pressure you into being married. But when you are ready to get married, you need to ask yourself some certain things and I’m going to give you just 4 of those things.
- WHY (Why do you want to get married?)
Do you want to get married because everyone is getting married, because you want to pepper them, because you’re in a competition (a clique of friends and you want to be the first to leave your father’s house)? Do you want to get married because they are stressing you at home? I know a lot of girls who are running to get married because their mom is disturbing them at home – “everytime she comes, she’ll say I should cook and clean”. Let me tell you, that’s the easiest point in your life. Someone is still telling you to cook and clean. When you get married, “honey what will you eat?”.
“I don’t know”
I don’t know if “I don’t know” is food. I don’t know if there are other wives in the house that have heard it.
“What do you want to eat?”
And I’ve decided one of these days, I’m going to boil “anything” in the pot and serve him. So at that point, someone is still helping you, dictating for you. Do you know that there are some people that do not know that as a married person, you will cook everyday? Do you know those children that are running around, it’s food they eat. It’s not energiser battery that is running them. Its food and someone is going to cook it and guess who? Aunty, it’s you o. Somebody doesn’t know he’s going to pay rent and school fees every 3 months. Do you know school fees is every 3 months? It shocks some men.
The funniest one is when it’s time for their wives to deliver. Sir, you have 9 months to prepare, to pay hospital bills, you are shocked. So, you have to set your WHY. Is it for money? If it’s money, you can just borrow it. I can tell you that for free.
- WHAT (What kind of marriage do I want?)
What kind of marriage you want determines how you prepare for the marriage. If you want a kingdom marriage, then you have to run your marriage by kingdom principles. They are two different things. There’s regular marriage and there’s kingdom marriage. Kingdom marriage is what you practice as a Christian because we are from the kingdom of God. What it means is that it’s a marriage influenced by God. God’s domain is in that marriage. Everything you do in that marriage is guided by His principle and constitution in that marriage. So, if the Bible says “submit”, then, submit. If the Bible says “love”, then, love.
If the Bible says, “both of you should submit one to another”, then do that. If that Bible says both of you should tithe, then tithe. You don’t go to social media to get answers for a kingdom marriage. So, you use the word to build and the only foundation that is not shaken is the word. Any other thing is shifting sand. So you go back to the word, all the answers are there. Ephesians 5:33 has made it very easy. If you want to have a great marriage, it says, “you wives, submit”. You husbands, love. Simple. Love and Respect. It’s there. You don’t need drama. Everything is there and there are clear examples of people who did this thing and their marriage turned out right in the word.
So you have to ask yourself WHAT because that will now govern HOW you go about it. So, if you want a marriage that will honour God and expand His kingdom, because for us, our marriage is not just about two of us. It’s a ministry. Our marriage is expanding God’s Kingdom, our marriage is showing what can happen if you just rely on God. If you can place your marriage in God’s hands, what God can do with it. We’ve been through so many things – things that will break marriages. Infact, even without the things that will break marriages, two of us are so different, we shouldn’t be happily married.
We are complete opposite. My husband is a people person. He wants people to be around him 24/7. I really just want to be alone, stresses me. Let me just give you a real example – birthdays. So my birthday, what will be a real birthday for me will be me in my room, watching TV or reading a good book and people sending me gifts, not putting me on social media. Like, real birthday gifts. My husband just wants people around. They should just come and gist and they should have fun and, “who’s cooking it?”. I’m cooking it, you’re stressing me. Its no longer a happy birthday, it’s now a stressful birthday, do you understand?
Then you put me on social media, I understand people celebrating you but where I feel pressured is when you send me text messages that I expect that you respond to everybody. I’m stressed. So, my response to that is that for many years, on my birthday, I switch off my phone so that it’ll be a “happy birthday”. And my husband can’t understand it. My husband will walk into a room and the first thing he’ll do is to switch off the AC. Why are we rehearsing hell fire? If I walk into a room, the first thing I want to do is, “where is the AC so that I can sit near it”. But what you’re building will determine who you’re building it with.
- WHO (You need to determine who)
You can’t marry an unbeliever. If you’re going to have a kingdom marriage, then you have to marry another kingdom citizen. But people take this thing unseriously. “Oh, Pastor M, you can’t understand. He’s so nice”. Nice is not a fruit of the spirit, I know you’ve heard that before. There’s a difference between somebody who behaves nice and somebody who has godly character. There’s a nature change when somebody is born again. When somebody is born of the spirit of God, the spirit of God comes into him and changes his nature. Its not just about actions, its nature.
It also determines who controls him. So the same way you’ll pick up a remote and change the channels is the same way God can pick up his heart and change it and turn it to favour you. But you’re married to an unbeliever, who is holding his remote? So who are you going to marry? You have to understand that. You know God set me free many years ago long before I got married. God asked me a question. He said, “if I am your father because you are a Christian, an unbeliever, who is his father?”. I said, “Satan”.
Some of you don’t know that his father is Satan? When you marry am, you go know. If God is not his father, you have only one other option – Satan. God said to me, “when you are married, your father-in-law has right to come to your house”. And when your natural father-in-law comes to your house, if he’s a good one, he brings gifts. Satan will not come alone, he will bring gifts and you know what kind of gifts that will be. It’s only in Christianity – I have never seen any normal physical human being that will say he wants to marry and will go to a cemetery and just go and pick a husband there and say, “this guy is rich but he’s dead”.
But Christians do that everyday. Someone who is not born again is spiritually dead. So you want to marry a corpse, a dead body? That’s what we’re doing. So when you determine what kind of marriage, then you determine WHO, who you want to do life with. Don’t you want someone that when he looks at you, he just starts speaking in tongues? Or you’re feeling discouraged, he gives you one or two scriptures and settles the thing. Or you’re feeling down, he puts his hand on your head. I don’t know why you don’t want that kind of life.
- HOW (How do you want to achieve all these things?)
If you’re a single person and you want a kingdom marriage and a believer, there are simple ways. I’ll give you 3 things –
A. Knowledge – My people perish for lack of knowledge. You will suffer because you don’t know. Things are only hard because you don’t know how to do them. When I couldn’t drive, when I look at people driving, I’ll be like “ehhh”. They are not doing anything hard o. It’s in automatic, just left, right, match break, press acceleration, nothing. They are not more intelligent than you but because you don’t know, you think that they are doing something great.
So because you don’t know, you haven’t studied about marriage that’s why you think that marriage is hard. Marriage is not hard. It’s not even that deep, the way people say, “you have to”. There’s no “have to”. If you marry your friend who is a believer like you and you guys have the same constitution, everything will be easy. Knowledge. So go after knowledge, buy books, go for seminars like this, I mean, your life will radically change.
B. Maturity – If you are in Primary 2 and they bring Common Entrance Maths to you, can you solve it? No, that’s why marriage seems hard. If you grow in maturity, it’ll be easy for you to handle the challenges in marriage. That’s what Jesus said. You have to be mature enough. It requires a certain level of maturity and attitude. You have to be mature and know how. So it says, if you can enter into the largeness of that, then marriage will be easy. So maturity is important. Fruit of the Spirit – that’s the key to maturity. Build your character.
C. Counsel – In the multitude of counsel, there’s safety. It’s so important that you get counsel. The problem is that you are in love, so anything they tell you, you believe. The easiest way is get counsel. Do it the right way. I know there’s a structure in this church. Follow it. Don’t let anybody marry you in secret. Get counsel. There are people that your leaders know things about but they can’t say anything until you come to them to ask. We don’t go about telling other people’s secret.
Counsel, not just counsel of your leaders. Surround yourself with the right people because interestingly, the people that vote the most concerning who you will marry are your friends. Your pastor may be talking but if your friends are foolish, they’ll say, “uh, don’t mind pastor o. When pastor don marry him own, wetin he wan tell you? You better just stand well. You wan single? Man no dey o. At all, at all, na him bad pass. Half chin chin is better than one full bread, just be managing”, and you’ll now make that stupid decision. If you don’t surround yourself with the right people, if you sit in the sit of the scornful, the Bible says you would not be blessed.
Cut off those people from your circle if you want to do kingdom marriage. Those people that send you those silly videos on social media about how every woman is marginalized. They talk about radical feminism, they are always fighting about what nobody is fighting about. Nobody is marginalising you. Do things right. And you see, we must start to stand upon what the word of God says. We have come to an era where the Christians need to start speaking on kingdom principles. I think, enough is enough. Where we are afraid to say, “I submit to my husband even though I’m a powerful woman. I gladly lay it down and I serve him lovingly”. And he should not be afraid to tell people, “I love my wife and there’s nothing I won’t do for her”, even though they call him a weak man or she has cooked something for you, he’s okay with that because that’s what the Bible says.
I am looking for a generation of people that will celebrate their wives publicly, that are not afraid or ashamed to say, “I’m in love”. It doesn’t make you less of a man. It makes you more of a God – man. So when you put all these factors together, I can guarantee you that when you get the WHAT, the WHY (you want to get married), the HOW, if you can get all these things together, put them together and go after knowledge, that you will have the marriage of your dreams.
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