Every parent has those days where they are
convinced they are the worst parent in the
world and wonder, “Am I a gojod parent at all?”
A great bad parenting example comes from one
of my all-time-low parenting days a few years
back. I was newly pregnant, we were in the
midst of selling our home, looking for a new
home, and I had to keep our 1 and 3-year-old
boys out of the house so it would stay clean.
We ventured out to a park and when we were
finished, I started loading my one-year-old in the
car. I closed his car door and walked to the
other side of the car to put our 3-year-old in
and was horrified that I had locked my sweet
baby boy in the car alone!
Up to this point, I was convinced that all
parents that I’d read about making this very
mistake were unfit and negligent parents. Here
I was crying and unsure of how to quickly
rescue my baby from the car.
Thankfully, the police came quickly and broke
the front window so he could be released. By
God’s grace all turned out well, despite some
money lost on a replacement window.
All of us parents have those moments where
we make a mistake we swore we’d never make.
If we like it or not we are quick to judge the
failures of others we deem as “bad parents” but
none of us are perfect at this thing.
Yet, there are all ways we can grow to be
better and habits that if go unchecked create
strife in our homes. We all need solutions to
those “bad parenting moments.”
Let’s explore some of the qualities of bad
parenting that we should avoid alongside ways
we can develop some good parenting skills:
- Bad Parenting Focuses on Punishment
Rather than Responsibility:
The past year my husband and I went through
the training to become Foster Parents. The
process was eye-opening to parenting
strategies that we relied on that were really
less effective than we thought.
One strategy that we had to throw out the
window was focusing on punishments over the
encouragement of personal responsibility.
This in no way means you don’t help your child
grow when they make mistakes. It requires
parents going beyond our inclination to quickly
dish out shame and consequences for our kid’s
behaviors.
Instead, we need to lean into offering loving
guidance, carefully explain the limits we set for
our kids with empathy, and model the kinds of
behaviors we want our kids to display.
Aha Parenting explains that emphasizing
responsibility is the best way to raise a moral
child that wants to do the right thing.
When we embrace this strategy, it will help curb
so many of our less than pretty parenting
moments.
Empathetic guidance, we can all agree, doesn’t
include yelling at our kids or shaming them for
not behaving with perfection. It excludes
physical punishments, like hitting or spanking
your child. It avoids angry scolding when we’ve
just “had enough” of our kids actions.
It does look like face-to-face honest
communication, talking through what just went
down together.
It is us emphasizing principles that define how
to behave like a person of character with our
kids over long lists of “do’s” and “don’ts.”
It enlists the problem-solving skills of your child
to come up with suitable ways to avoid repeats
of the same situations. It asks how they can
take responsibility and make amends for the
harm they have done. - Bad Parenting Holds Up Unfair
Expectations:
Why are child development books so important
for parents to read? Because it is difficult to
set fair expectations about what your child
should be capable of doing without
understanding where they are in their
development. This is especially true with
younger children. For many parents, it can be
jarring when their once precious bundle-of-joy
turns into a tyrant, wild-child one-year-old.
It can be easy to get frustrated and feel like a
“bad parent” because your 18-month-old bit all
the kids in their daycare class (true story of
how my oldest behaved at this age). When we
understand that one-year-olds often hit, bite,
and more at this age, it can take some of the
pressure off of you as a parent.
In addition to understanding your child’s
development, it’s important to take in account
your child’s personality.
My oldest is very cautious. Knowing this about
him helps me to respond with empathy when he
expresses anxiety about new experiences.
Rather than getting frustrated that he feels
apprehensive about joining in, I can get on his
level and talk him through the big feelings he is
dealing with.
It is unfair to expect your child to never have
fears, failures, or perform on grade-level in
every instance. None of us as adults approach
life with this level of ability.
We have butterflies in our stomach before an
interview or on occasion bomb a work
assignment. While it’s important to emphasize
responsibility, this should be paired with
empathy.
Kids today suffer from anxiety at alarming
rates. It’s our job to help them work through
failure, challenges, and grow resilience as a
part of their character. - Bad Parenting Fails to Set Proper
Limits:
Self-control is one of the greatest predictors of
a successful and satisfying life. The challenge
is that kids have to learn how to grow their
ability to have self-discipline. It is not a natural
instinct to think before acting.
Setting limits for our children is one of the
essential ways that we help them grow in their
self-discipline. Without us modeling and guiding
them away from actions that are harmful or
hurtful, they never learn how to properly self-
regulate their behavior.
The question then is how do we properly set
limits for our children? Oftentimes I find myself
going from one extreme to the next; either I am
too lax and everything goes or I get too
frustrated and respond with exasperation.
Aha Parenting explains there is a better way!
Our limits need to be empathetic. Kids can “buy
into” the limits we set if they know they come
from a place of love and understanding.
The end goal is that we raise independent
people that have the ability to manage
themselves well on their own, that is why them
deciding on their own to comply with the limits
set is so important.
How do we combine limits and empathy? A
great example would be when one child hits the
other because they are very mad.
When you approach the child that hit you first
acknowledge their anger. Let them know that
you see how they are feeling. Then you address
the behavior and let them know it’s never okay
to hit another person. Now it’s time for you to
prompt communication between siblings and
ask the child that hit to talk to their sibling
about how they are feeling and also
communicate an apology.
In that situation, you have shown empathy for
the feelings of your child, while enforcing the
limit that we are never to hit others.
Another key part of setting proper limits as a
parent is consistency. If the limit is worth
enforcing, then the enforcement should be
consistent. Kids have a keen awareness when
there is wiggle room in the boundaries we place
and when we aren’t consistent they tend to
push the limit.
Practice makes perfect when it comes to them
understanding how to honor the boundaries you
place, which is also why consistency matters. - Bad Parenting Doesn’t Allow Your Kids to Fail:
We’ve all heard the term “helicopter parent” or
“bulldozer parent” and now know this stance is
not really the best for our kids but sometimes
our Mamma and Daddy Bear instincts push us
to take all the challenges away from our kids
even if we know better.
Let’s be honest, seeing our kids struggle truly
breaks our hearts! We want to step in at their
first sign of distress and help them out, who
can really blame us?
I am just as guilty as the next person at
creating too much comfort for my kids. I’ve
really had to work to make sure my kids get the
chance to practice experiencing failure and
responsibility. I literally have had to train myself
to ask my kids to help, rather than completing
every task for them.
When they’ve had trouble with school work, I’ve
had to leave the room at times so I didn’t
immediately help them solve the problem. When
they’ve experienced conflicts with friends, I’ve
had to force myself to step back for a moment,
so they would have the chance to solve the
problem on their own.
It takes intentionality in today’s world to not be
a parent that removes all the obstacles for their
child.
Why is failure so important? Life experience is
an amazing teacher. We are depriving our kids
of one of the best ways they can learn when
we take away all the challenges they face.
As they grow, the feeling that they overcome
on their own creates a sense of strength and
grit. Without this self-assurance, studies have
found that kids are more likely to experience
anxiety.
So let’s all take a deep breath and remember,
failure is important and let them go a little bit
more. - Bad Parenting Promotes Entitlement: No one wants to raise an “entitled” or “spoiled” child but in today’s world, where material possessions are so easy to accumulate, it can be a real challenge not to communicate to our kids that they deserve more stuff. There is a delicate balance between communicating worth and love to our kids and avoiding an “entitlement” mentality. My kids’ long lists of items they want for their next birthdays goes to show that avoiding the allure of more, more, more for me is a hard task for us parents! Aha Parenting offers some great tips on how to empower our kids. Avoid substituting things for emotional connection. Giving your child gifts is an instant way to bring them joy and it also can be a way to soothe our guilt for not showing up for our kids in the ways we would like. If you are feeling disconnected, offer them time and experiences, rather than toys and treats. Give your child the chance to earn things through hard work.
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