Who comes first between “MOTHER and WIFE” (must read!!!)

Online Teaching

How many of us here would readily place wife above mother? And how many of us would readily place mother above wife? It takes a boy to answer the questions straight. But for men, it takes some thoughts before coming up with an answer. Maybe it would be easier or more difficult to answer if your mother and your wife were standing before you.

I’ll be approaching this topic from three backgrounds tonight:

1. The Ighalo Story
2. My Personal Experience
3. The Scriptural Pattern

To be sincere, this may generate some controversy. Let’s all apply the principles of UNLEARNING,
LEARNING and RELEARNING.

THE IGHALO STORY
Let me start with The Ighalo Story. Football fans should be aware of the recent happenings in, and to the family of the Man Utd striker.

Here is the story as found on the internet:
Manchester United striker, Odion Jude Ighalo has reportedly divorced his wife for her alleged disrespectful behaviour towards his mother and brother.

According to media reports, Sonia had a bad blood with Ighalo’s sister of blessed memory.

It was gathered that she refused to acknowledge the death of the lady. Ighalo’s junior brother is believed to have been in several bust up with Sonia over her dissaproval on him visiting his brother’s house.

It was also gathered that Sonia is not in support of the way and manner her in-laws interfere in her marital affairs.

Ighalo who doesn’t seem to agree with his wife has resorted to calling it quit. Both Jude and Sonia Ighalo have been seen without their wedding rings and change of names on social media. Sonia was first to revert to her father’s name.

What was responsible for the divorce? The wife was DISRESPECTFUL to the man’s mother. Also, she refused to acknowledge the death of her sister-in-law!!!!
I’m sure the matter must have been on for years.
The marriage was 10 years before they went their separate ways. Sentiments aside, there are some values we hold dear in Africa.

One of them is communal relationship. You have a sister?
You have an uncle?Aunty? Relatives in the country and abroad, even distant cousins.
There is something that connects you all.

Those relationships may have some strains but I tell you that you want to stand to defend them whenever there is a threat. We are wired like that. Anyway, millennials seem not to care so much these days. Among those relationships, the relationship with one’s mother is so serious that you don’t joke with it. Among the Yoruba for example, it is an issue when you abuse someone with the phrase ÌYÁ Ẹ (Your mother)!

So, why do you find it so offensive when someone says IYA Ẹ more than when they say ÌYÀWÓ Ẹ?

Definitely, there is a mother-son relationship that seems so mysterious that people appreciate, that our society venerates and our culture validates.

2. MY PERSONAL STORY
   All my adult life, I can’t remember crying loud except when I lost my mum. Men, it was a deep sense of loss. I was with her in her last hours in the hospital. On a Monday morning, I rushed there. She was on oxygen. I wanted to pray fervently. Then I heard the voice: “DON’T PRAY. RELEASE HER!” Ah!!!! I left the ward. I was pacing up and down. I was trying to wish away that voice but the words kept coming. So, I called my siblings and told them what the LORD said to me. Everyone started crying. It was an unforgettable moment. I went back into the ward. I held her hands and said WE RELEASE YOU IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, AND OF THE SON AND OF THE HOLY SPIRIT. As if she was waiting for the release, immediately she breathed her last. It was a deep pain. A couple of weeks later, I was to announce her funeral arrangement in church. I could not finish the announcement. I broke down in tears right on the altar. The service closed immediately.

Why all these stories????

The place of a mother is incomparable. Let me quickly drop this lesson. If your mother is still alive, do all you can do to take care of her. Call her. Visit her. Bless her. Let her bless you. You will thank me later.

Who is a MAN?
Remember, it takes a man to have a wife or get married, so to say. Marriage is not for a boy and a girl. Marriage is the coming together of a MAN and a WOMAN for the beginning of a new family.

M.A.N is acronym for
Morning
Afternoon, and
Night

Every man is supposed to have those three seasons of life. And for every season of a man’s life, there’s a corresponding woman.

Season 1 is your MORNING.
I am tempted to say in every season, there is a PRINCIPAL woman.

Your MORNING is the season of birth and growth.

Here, your mother is the principal woman in your life.

The role of a mother in that season is unquantifiable. Start from the childbirth experience.
We use decibel to measure intensity of sound. What do we use to measure the intensity of pain? I think it’s DOL or some call it DEL.

When your mother gave birth to you, the pain she had was as good as breaking 20 bones at the same time! Even ladies don’t know so much the value of their mother until they become mothers themselves. Birth pain is more than the pain of a gunshot!!!!

What a life!!

I remember reciting this poem in class 2 in secondary school: “Who sat and watched my infant head, when sleeping on my cradle bed, and tears of affection shed, My Mother”
How many remember the poem???

Men, please value your mother. So, you may not really blame Ighalo for that decision.

Let me go to season 2:
AFTERNOON.
This is where your wife comes in as the principal woman in your life. Mind you, if a mother didn’t do well in the MORNING season, the man may never see Season 2. He may not die but become a miscreant somewhere. Anyway, marriage brings in the wife.

AFTERNOON is the season of marriage and career development. Take note of this, unlike the transition from morning to afternoon, not so many men make it to the evening season. No thanks to their wives.

What a pity!!!!

If 90% make it from morning to afternoon, not more than 50% make it from afternoon to night.

Season 3 is the NIGHT.
This is when your daughter or daughter-in-law becomes the principal woman in your life. Unfortunately, not many men make it to the night season. Do you know why mothers take very keen interest in whom their sons want to marry??? Why do they seem to poke and provoke the young man? Why would a mother reject a lady you brought? Your mother knows somehow somehow that with this lady, you may not see the night season of your life. Single brothers, are you there? So, when Mama says I no want this girl, take time to see her point of view. I hope I’m not shaking tables here.

Anyway, let’s go to the Bible

3. THE SCRIPTURE PATTERN
   Genesis 2:24 is the anchor text for this teaching. Quoted by Jesus Christ in Matthew 19. Direct words from the Master.

Let us consider two versions of the passage

Matthew 19:3-12 (Message)
3 One day the Pharisees were badgering him: “Is it legal for a man to divorce his wife for any reason?”
4 He answered, “Haven’t you read in your Bible that the Creator originally made man and woman for each other, male and female?
5 And because of this, a man leaves father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife, becoming one flesh – no longer two bodies but one.
6 Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart.”
7 They shot back in rebuttal, “If that’s so, why did Moses give instructions for divorce papers and divorce procedures?”
8 Jesus said, “Moses provided for divorce as a concession to your hardheartedness, but it is not part of God’s original plan.
9 I’m holding you to the original plan, and holding you liable for adultery if you divorce your faithful wife and then marry someone else. I make an exception in cases where the spouse has committed adultery.”
10 Jesus’ disciples objected, “If those are the terms of marriage, we’re stuck. Why get married?”
11 But Jesus said, “Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn’t for everyone.
12 Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked – or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you’re capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it.”

See verse 5 especially.

Matthew 19:1-12 (TPT Version)

1. After Jesus finished teaching them, he left Galilee and made his way toward the district of Judea, east of the Jordan River.
   2 Massive crowds followed him and he healed all who were sick
   3 The Pharisees were intent on putting Jesus to the test with difficult questions, so they approached him and asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason?”

4 “Haven’t you read the Scriptures about creation?” Jesus replied. “The Creator made us male and female from the very beginning,
5 and ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and live with his wife. And the two will become one flesh.’
6 From then on, they are no longer two, but united as one. So what God unites let no one divide!”

7 They responded, “So then why did Moses command us to give a certificate of divorce and it would be lawful?”

8 Jesus said, “Moses permitted you to divorce because your hearts are so hard and stubborn, but originally there was no such thing.
9 But I say to you, whoever leaves his wife for any reason other than immorality, then takes another wife is living in adultery. And whoever takes a divorced woman in marriage is also living in adultery.”

10 His disciples spoke up and said, “If this is the standard, then it seems better to never get married.”

11 “Not everyone is meant to remain single—only those whom God gives grace to be unmarried.
12 For some are born to celibacy; others have been made eunuchs by others. And there are some who have chosen to live in celibacy for the sacred purpose of heaven’s kingdom realm. Let those who can, accept this truth for themselves.”

With marriage, a man shall LEAVE his father and mother. And CLEAVE, be joined, be united, bonded to his wife. And the two become one. Marriage is between a MAN and a WOMAN. Not BOY and GIRL

One thing that makes marriage work is the characteristic of acknowledgement and performance of ROLES.

Talking about joining, Paul alludes to the same word in I Corinthians 6:16

And it is used strongly in Ephesians 5:31-33 for the relationship between Christ and the Church

The role of the woman is summarised in one word: SUBMIT. That word is so important that when that ingredient is missing, other skills (culinary and bedmatics) are not so useful in the home. That powerful word can change anything, even any man!!!

The man’s role is summarised in the word LOVE. Let me clarify and emphasize some matters here.

It is in this generation that we find wives who don’t want to submit, yet want to be loved. Paul did not make mistake to address wives first each time he preached on marriage. It is SUBMISSION that generates respect for the husband. And there is no how my wife will respect me without respecting my mother!!!!

Impossible!!!

Except I sell out. God forbid!

Even at that, a responsible woman wants to respect your people. I mean one with good upbringing.

Let me quickly make some juxtapositions here.

To leave your parents does not mean to abandon them. To cleave to your wife does not mean to WORSHIP her.
Pardon my judgements of the Ighalo story. It was obvious the wife didn’t respect the husband. If she did, she wouldn’t find it hard to respect the mother of the husband!!! For crying out loud. There is a Yoruba adage that says even if you don’t want to eat yam because you don’t like it, you end up eating it because of the palm oil that you like.

I am married to a very responsible and respectful lady by God’s grace. God bless Debbie. Always smiling. And she respects and honours my people to the core. Even to the last born of my mother. What stops me from making her the first when she has decided to stay in the humble position?? Tell your wife: if you humble yourself, you will be exalted. Not my word, I’m sure you know!

Well, still on the juxtapositions…

Mother gave birth TO you. Wife gives birth FOR you. Who should occupy the first place???? I can imagine you scratching your head.

On CHOICE, however, you could not choose your mother. Nature did it. She didn’t reject you. She took you as you were and nurtured you. So she is worthy of your RESPECT.
On the other hand, you CHOSE your wife. She had become a lot of what you wanted before you chose her. This is called RESPONSIBILITY.

Let me heighten it…
You cannot drop your mother. You cannot de-mother her. Even if you abandon her, she’s still your mother. But a wife can be dropped when matters get to the head. Divorce is possible. Forget about the REASONS. Let’s talk about the REALITIES. We don’t wish for it though. But I’m just looking at possibilities. Even Jesus seemed to give at least one reason for which you may drop your wife. But nowhere has anyone given any reason for which you may reject your mother. Instead, the Bible says HONOUR your mother. Do we still know the meaning of honour???

Let me go to the last part of this discourse. At least you know that both mother and wife are important. You can’t drop one for the other. It’s a matter of seasons.

What I will advocate here is HOW TO MAINTAIN A BALANCE

1. Be the man BETWEEN the two. Both of them need a man-figure
   especially if your mum is a widow!!!

Be the man. Stand your ground IN THE MIDDLE.

2. Set BOUNDARIES
   Mama cannot be wife. Wife does not have the experience of the mother.
3. Wisdom is key!!!! Wisdom is knowing what to do and doing what you know.
4. Be unpredictable. Play the surprise card for both mother and wife. That will make both respect your decisions and appreciate your love and sacrifices.
5. Cross examination is valuable when issues arise. Hear the Wise Man in Proverbs 18:17
   There are two sides to every story.
   The first one to speak sounds true until you hear the other side (TPT)

The first to speak in court sounds right— until the cross-examination begins. (NLT)

Whenever one talks to you first, take time to hear the other person. Don’t rush to act.

6. Meet their peculiar needs as much as possible. It’s not easy for mother to let go. Yet, the wife owns the house.

Finally..

7. Create a meeting or melting point for both.
   When the two become friends, they’re both number one on your list of priorities.

And then, you have peace and rest and prosperity.

Gentlemen, I draw the curtains here. Thanks for reading.