How to Recognize and Respond to the 3 Warning Signs of Abuse

Knowing the 3 Warning Signs of Abuse and What to Do About It

“Domestic Violence Awareness Month” is held every October. Now is an excellent moment to review the reasons why Christians need to care about this problem.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, one-third of women and one-quarter of men may suffer physical violence (such as shoving or pushing, slapping, or punching) at the hands of an intimate partner throughout their lifetimes. Those numbers hold true both within and outside of the church, as far as we can tell from the available research.

Sadly, domestic abuse is a reality for a lot of Christian women. Take a good look at the other ladies at your church or Bible study the next time you go. It’s likely that at least one of the ladies seated nearby has experienced or is experiencing abuse at the hands of her husband.

Reflect on the significance of the statistic that one in three women has suffered physical abuse at the hands of an intimate partner. After hearing that number, I could never again look at a group of ladies in the same way. Whenever I attended church on a Sunday morning, I couldn’t help but wonder how many of the ladies sitting next to me with their husband’s arm casually slung over their shoulder were really quietly crying. And even while I sung the praise songs and listened to the preaching, my soul would groan, and I would pray for them.

That’s not even the whole image, either! Physical assaults are just one kind of domestic abuse. It also involves the use of threats, emotional or psychological abuse, sexual assault, and economic or financial dominance by one spouse over another. Although males are not immune to domestic violence, women make up 85% of victims.

The Bible’s Plea for Fairness and Compassion

God’s feelings about violence are discussed at length in the Bible. “…what does the Lord want of you?” it reads in Micah. The remedy is “to do justice, and to love mercy,” as the prophet tells us. To “defend the weak and the fatherless; advocate the cause of the destitute and the downtrodden,” as it says in Psalm 82:3-4, is a mandate from God. Get in there and save the helpless; save them from the evil doers.

Do we really need more convincing than that to take action on behalf of the “weak and the needy,” despite the discomfort it may cause us, in order to help those who are suffering among us?

The first step is realizing that domestic abuse is more than just a couple’s fight. To the contrary, the abused individual is put in danger when well-meaning bystanders try to dismiss the violence as “a lover’s dispute.” What sets domestic violence apart is a pattern of behavior in which one spouse (often the husband) exerts control over the other to fulfill his or her own wants, regardless of the other’s preferences or safety. Sinfully prioritizing oneself above the person one swore to love and protect in a manner that results in physical or emotional harm to that person is at the heart of this terrible transgression.

There Are 3 Warning Signs to Look Out For

Extreme jealousy, possessiveness of the victim, verbal abuse, extremely controlling behavior, blaming the victim for anything bad that happens, controlling the finances, accusing the victim of flirting with others or having an affair, controlling the victim’s appearance and actions, demeaning the victim either privately or publicly, and embarrassing the victim are all signs and behaviors of an abuser, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

How can you determine if someone you know is facing abuse in silence? Here are three warning indicators to keep an eye out for and some useful advice on how to react.

1. The person is acting nervous or shy.

When with her abuser, the victim of abuse is generally timid and excessively eager to please. Think about if you’ve seen any changes in her character if you’ve known this individual for a while. This may be cause for concern. Has she gotten quieter and more withdrawn? Is her husband the focus of her nervous glances while she talks? If your buddy is been unusually quiet lately, you may want to pay special attention to the subtext of what he or she does say.

2. She blames herself for things that were not her fault.

Take in every detail as she describes her daily routine at home. When a woman is being mistreated, she often keeps quiet about it, even to her closest friends, out of fear or embarrassment. On the other hand, they may internalize the guilt and say things like, “I wish I could be a better wife. My spouse is deserving of better. You might gently probe for further information by asking, “What does your spouse say to make you believe that?” You shouldn’t be shocked if she has trouble continuing. It might take a few talks for her to feel comfortable enough to tell you what’s going on.

3. She’s getting farther away from family and friends.

Abusers often isolate their victims from their support networks. Does she try to rationalize her absence from meetings with others? Maybe she’s worried he’ll get angry if she hangs out with her friends, or maybe she’s trying to cover up physical symptoms of violence like bruises. You should probably find a moment to inquire as to the reason why someone has ceased accepting your invites or why she is constantly seen with her husband.

Methods That Can Actually Be of Use

If a person comes out and says they are being mistreated at home, the most crucial thing you can do is to trust them. Assure her of your support and ask her how you can best help her. Do your best to avoid saying anything or asking her anything that would lead her to believe it was her fault. Ignore the thought that “I can’t believe he would do that!” However, many abusers are skilled manipulators and may seem so charming in public that their victim has a hard time believing they are capable of such conduct.

You may avoid hurting the abused person by keeping in mind that she has been exposed to excessive controlling practices that have stripped her of the freedom to make her own judgments. Neither she nor anyone else on earth needs her to feel guilty over something she had nothing to do with causing or to make a choice she was not yet ready to make.

The least helpful approach is to ask her the familiar question, “Why don’t you simply leave?” Her inability to up and go might be due to any number of factors. If she has suffered emotional abuse, she may feel incapable of making decisions for herself, may be financially reliant, and may feel conflicted about removing her children from their father’s care. As the abuser may perceive his grip fading, he may increase his attempts at dominance just as the victim is choosing to leave. The best thing you can do is reassure her that she has your support no matter what she chooses to do.

Assist her in creating a safety strategy, and persuade her to show her kids how to react in a situation when they may need to flee immediately.

Use your best judgment when suggesting places for her to get the treatment she needs. When seeking advice or assistance, do not automatically turn to your pastor or the church elders. Many are not trained in addressing domestic violence and may do more damage with their attempts to assist. Unless you know for sure that your church has a well-informed program to handle domestic abuse, you should help her locate community services so she may obtain the assistance she needs.

Never discount the importance of your words of encouragement, prayers, and assistance in finding means to fulfill her basic needs. Proverbs 17:17 states, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother [or sister] is born for a time of adversity.” To the “weak and needy” women around us, everyone of us may be a sister in Christ by extending His compassion and mercy.