How to Love Your Young Adult

Love Languages for Your Young Adult

As a parent, showing affection for your adult child may be a difficult subject. Their chubby cheeks are gone, and many of them have grown taller than you are. Parents may want to reminisce about the simpler times when they could just lean in for an embrace, but this may come off as overbearing to their grown children. Possibly they can’t handle the kind of affection we have for them.

As my teenagers mature physically and emotionally, I’ve found that the best way to keep up with them is to love them the way I would want to be loved.

Some young people’ methods of receiving affection are distinct from our own when we were their age. Beyond our parents, we didn’t have any other individuals reaching out to us via the Internet or a mobile phone to offer us affection. Maybe your friend’s parents showered you with affection whenever you spent the night at their place, or maybe your next-door neighbors spoke with you whenever they saw you walking down the street. It’s possible that you’ve learned more about love from these folks than you ever did from your own parents.

They are figuring out how to demonstrate their affection for young adults in a world when many of the rules they grew up with no longer apply.

In what ways can we show young adults that we care?

Recently, I took my eldest adolescent shopping with me in the car. I was already well aware that she was not a fan of window shopping. The two of us were discussing the event for which the dress was being purchased, and I told her that I had never needed to do so myself.

I went through how I was able to see her on the outside and within, and I inquired as to whether or not she had the same perception of herself. I told her that I admire her courage and that I respect her high standards and morals, and that I believe other people may identify with what she stands for. It was a chance for me to express my affection for my grown daughter by praising her moral fiber. Rather than the questions she anticipated, it was the ones I didn’t ask that helped us get closer.

To this day, my teenage children still give me the kinds of bear embraces and mushy kisses every parent secretly covets. But the bonding isn’t so much physical as it is psychological.

Teens and young adults have different needs than younger children. Some of us (wink!) have a very hard time with this because we want to grab them and hug them until they do the same to us. Or until we’ve had our fill of “loves,” as I’ve coined the term in my own home.

However, there are times when the greatest way I can show my love for one of my kids is to give them some space so they won’t feel like I’m clinging to them and time. When we want our young adults to spend time with us, it might seem like a job or a task for them, when all we want is a little love or time or both.

Based on my own experiences and those of other mothers, I have come up with seven methods to express your affection for your teenagers.

What If You Could:

• You can help your child unwind after a long day at school, practice, or job by setting a timer for 15-30 minutes when they arrive home. This way, you and your child will both know that your time together will be relaxed and enjoyable (or rushed).
• Set up one night every week to do something as a family that you all like doing together, whether it’s watching a movie and discussing it, working on a project, or playing a game.
• After everyone gets home, put the phones on the counter and spend some quality time together instead of worrying about who may be attempting to call either of you.
• Find out how your young adult like to be shown affection. Inquire, “May I embrace you?” or “Are there other ways I may show my affection for you?” One of my teenagers was kind enough to answer my question, and their key piece of advice was, “You may embrace, but not too much.”
• Discover the unanticipated channels of communication with your emerging adult. Pay attention to how they react to the coffee you gave them, the supper you cooked for them after a long time, and the shampoo you got them. Yes, everyone must maintain a tidy appearance. Small gestures may go a long way toward demonstrating your interest in and appreciation for another person. In a bad day, it might be the simple things that make all the difference (for both of you).
• Consider when it will be most effective to ask your child to do something. Something broken or in need of fixing, or a task they must complete. If you ask too soon after they get home after an already rigorous day at school, work, or on the field, you may send the message that this is all that matters to you.
• Use phrases that show your kid how much you care so they hear it often and believe it. My children have taught me that using “cringy” language or trying too hard will result in uncomfortable looks or silences.

One of my young adults answered my question about how they knew I love them like this: “Since you assure me of your affection often, I need no other assurance. Even if you want to come into my room to chat to me because you love me, I appreciate it if you let me rest for a little first if you see that I’m exhausted.”

My adolescent children tell me that I show my affection for them when we have meaningful conversations about topics other than their academic progress, their athletics, and their social lives. Also, by not making choices for them and giving them time to think through their options, I am demonstrating that I am allowing them to learn from their mistakes. To them, our experiences are irrelevant compared to their own.

Over the course of their research, psychologist John Coffey and his team interviewed over 150 adolescents and their parents. Article author Maryam Abdullah points out that “Teens felt more loved on days when their parents were affectionate, and less loved on days when there was tension between the parents and the adolescent. The surprising result? There was less of a correlation between parental conflict and teenagers’ perceptions of their parents’ affection on days when the parents were friendlier toward one another. Having a disposition that is seen as warm and loving by adolescents seems to buffer the negative effects of conflict.”

These results are significant, since, as stated by Coffey and colleagues, “emotional experiences might change the coping abilities and behavior of adolescents in ways that impair their well-being in the long-term.”

It is crucial to show young people that you care about them. But how crucial is it that we not worry more about a disagreement than about how we may show love in our words and deeds? Obviously, we want to demonstrate to our young that it is possible to not just survive but thrive in the face of adversity. But it’s also evident that expressing our love doesn’t eliminate disagreements, but it may help shield your connection so that your young adult can get the guidance they need and the affection you want to shower on them.