How to Counsel Christians in Marriage in 5 Easy Steps

Christian Marriage Counseling: 5 Keys to a Healthy Relationship

Does it ever seem like there’s no one at the helm of your marriage? Do you have a gut feeling that something is off, but no one can seem to pin down what it is or how to fix it? Have you sought assistance, only to find that it came too late?

Both Terry and Stephen are feeling forlorn and powerless in their current situations. One partner is at fault for the marital issues, but both agree that they need outside help.

They have been married for fifteen years and have two small children, but they have been fighting the whole time. They, like many of the people who come to me for advice, have tried therapy several times without seeing any improvement.

As a result, Terry is now at his wits’ end. As she put it, she needed to “gather my breath,” so she broke up with him. Obviously, she wanted more. She hoped that if she could get a break from their constant fighting, she might figure out how to steer their marriage in a more positive way.

Normal people, like Terry and Sid. They represent the norm for confused couples everywhere. They are both downtrodden and in need of resolution. However, they feel confused by the conflicting advice they’ve heard from clergy, marital counselors, doctors, and friends. They’ve gotten confusing and contradictory instructions. They also feel as if no one has ever taken an in-depth look at their marriage or put a name to the troubles and severity of it.

Terry and Stephen have just split up, and at this time I am working with them separately. While Stephen is determined to repair his marriage, Terry is adamantly opposed to returning to marital therapy. Terry need more introspection and thought before making any decisions.

Christian marriage counseling: why you should give it a shot
Terry said to me during our phone session, “I’ve tried therapy.” “I can’t take orders from anybody. I just knew that we were going nowhere and that our relationship had to end.

When asked, “What advice have you received?” I made an inquiry.

She finally broke her silence, saying, “I’ve been told a lot of different things.” “No one has actually stepped in to lead me. None of my friends or family want me to be in this situation, and they all encourage me to get help.

To hear Stephen tell it, his narrative is quite similar to that of the others.

She’s set on breaking up, and I don’t know what to do to keep the marriage together. I’d do everything to get her to speak to me again, but she won’t. What I can do is wait for her to finish giving me space.

But I told Stephen, “Waiting alone won’t save your marriage.” There are issues in your marriage that need to be resolved. Clarity and purpose are unlikely to emerge through waiting.

I suggested the Therapeutic Healing Process to both Stephen and Terry in private talks. I gave them an account of the following situation:

I want to spend many hours with you and your spouse gathering information in order to draw a conclusion about your individual roles in the difficulties plaguing your marriage. I’m willing to hear about the ways in which you and your partner are both sabotaging your relationship with one another. Based on what I learn and what I think is necessary, I will provide my professional input. Then, we’ll get together to mend those fences and train our voices to be heard without causing more harm. After attending many sessions together and separately, using the tools you’ve learned, you’ll be in a better position to determine how you want to go forward. With any luck, we’ll be able to point your marriage in the right path and help heal the wounds it’s caused.

I was having a conversation with Terry and Stephen when I brought up some of the Biblical principles we needed to observe.

I told him, “Solomon was right when he claimed the Lord dislikes seven things. The arrogance of one’s eyes, the lying of one’s tongue, the shedding of innocent blood by one’s hands, the conceit of one’s heart, the haste with which one’s feet rushes into evil, the spreading of lies by a false witness, and the sowing of discord among neighbors are seven things I urge you to avoid at all costs. Proverbs 6:16-19

These universal principles were accepted by all parties as a foundation for our efforts. Terry, in particular, was on edge but ready to go on.

We haven’t really had that type of guidance,” she said uneasily. I’m done arguing with him. As it is, I just cannot endure it. I’m game for giving it a go.

I reassured Terry that we wouldn’t be engaging in combat. It is expected that you will come to our meetings prepared to pray for and listen to one another.

Hopeful and eager to go forward, Stephen. Specifically, we outlined the following rules:

When it comes to Christian marriage counseling, what are the prerequisites?

The first step toward healing would be for both to approach the therapy sessions with a sense of humility and openness.
We both understood that this wouldn’t really amount to marital therapy. Instead, they should serve as an opportunity to reflect on and change hurtful thoughts, words, and deeds. Everyone would get a chance to talk about what each person did to contribute to the marital troubles and what they thought their partner did to make things worse. We would take a step back, if you will, to honestly examine how we both contributed to the rift in the marriage.

The second step would be to get to the bottom of what’s really going on with their marriage.
We would investigate the real issues in their marriage by looking back over their shared past and holding each partner accountable for their role. The two must have harmed one other and be in need of each other’s healing, right?

The third goal of our collaboration is to mend broken hearts.
Both partners were aware that they had contributed to the other’s pain and resolved to work together to help their partner recover. Each partner would commit to doing all they could to aid the other’s recovery, while also seeking good guidance to address any character flaws of their own that had contributed to the strain on their marriage.

A fourth principle would be to encourage one another to make positive personal changes.
It was decided that we would come together for a series of two-hour meetings to engage in “healing work.” They committed to coming to the Therapeutic Healing Process willing to take responsibility for their actions and how they have affected their spouse. They committed to listening to me and any other doctors or therapists that formed a part of their recovery;

We would conclude by devising a strategy for moving ahead.
We would make plans for the future when the therapeutic healing process was concluded. They decided to get to the bottom of things and figure out what’s really going on so they can go ahead effectively. As a result of this exercise, they’ve decided to use the shared insights to guide their future as a couple.

Christian Marriage Counseling: What to Expect

At the outset, you need to understand.
As painful as the truth may be at first, it ultimately leads to freedom, as promised in the Bible (John 8:32). The truth makes everything crystal clear, and that makes it much easier to make important choices. You need to collaborate with a person who can shed light on the reality of your issue. They need to be willing to tell you the truth even if it hurts, and you need to give them permission to do so.

Second, allow yourself to be shown and experience empathy.
First and first, we need to know that you care about us as individuals, and only then will we listen to what you have to say. Find someone who cares about you and your marriage and wants to assist you. They should make you feel like they want to put in plenty of effort for you and your marriage. Understand that they care deeply about you.

In the third place, have faith.
True life-changing choices are difficult to make. We need to believe what we say we believe and have the guts to act on that belief. Having people who will cheer us on and support us as we make these choices is crucial. Your marital counselor ought to be invested in the outcome and intelligent enough to steer you in a new direction.

A plan of action should be provided to you at last.
Your marital counselor will not give you orders, but rather guide you in making good decisions. Action plans, a defined path, are what couples need to get them from their current state of disarray and into a more fulfilling partnership.

(Taken from “4 Expectations from Your Marriage Counselor”)

Finding a Christian Therapist for Your Marriage

When looking for a marital counselor, it’s important to keep a few things in mind and ask the right questions. Be patient; it may take a few visits before you can tell whether the persona is a good fit. The individual with whom you will be working should make you feel secure and at ease.

Begin with some easy credential-related questions: In what capacity and from what state do you have a license? (The license should be from the state licensing board rather than a counseling organization and should be from the state in which they are working.) Is your degree recognized by the appropriate authorities? Do you belong to any other organizations related to your field of work?

Get in touch with a qualified counselor first.
Do your homework before seeing a marital counselor, just as you would before seeing a doctor. You should look for a marital counselor who is both well educated (ideally a Master’s) and trained and engaged in the field. Although many counselors advertise marital counseling services, only a small percentage really have any formal training in the area. Feel free to probe into their motivations for working in the sector, their level of experience, and the specifics of their success rate. If you’re looking for a marital counselor, it’s best to choose one that follows a tried-and-true method.

Second, inquire as to how your counselor feels about the subject of marriage.

Do not be shy about asking what they think about marriage. Is divorce deliberately pushed by them? Is marriage something they actively encourage? How do their views affect their work as marital counselors? Some therapists have a “neutral” stance on marriage, meaning that they don’t advocate for keeping a couple together. They will instead advocate for divorce if there is excessive fighting inside the couple’s marriage.

Consider thirdly seeing a “strength-based” therapist.
It is a common goal of many therapists to “figure out what’s wrong with the couple.” With this education and orientation, they will point out every flaw in your partnership. Of course, if you don’t combine this advice with a focus on the positive aspects of your marriage, it will simply make issues worse. Your therapist will help you identify and celebrate the positive aspects of your relationship. Which bonds keep you united in a positive way?

Fourth, choose a therapist who is able to give you direct instructions.
You wouldn’t need professional help from a therapist if you knew how to solve your problems on your own. Reflective listening from a counselor may help you feel better in the short term, but you need someone who can “operate” on you emotionally with pointed remarks and insights. This may not always be comfortable, but it will seem like you’re finally getting to the meat of the issue. You’re not getting your money’s worth until you believe you’re being led in a focused, knowledgeable, and authoritative manner.

One last piece of advice: locate a helpful counselor.
Not all problems manifest themselves during the hours of 9 to 5, as most counselors do, Monday through Friday. When marriages are in crisis, I typically have to plan numerous sessions each week. Sometimes I have to answer the phone or check my inbox to make sure the couple is doing well on their schoolwork and resolving their arguments. A good marital counselor is one who is willing to get their hands dirty, listen intently to their clients, and adjust their approach as the situation demands or their clients ask.